The day I met my husband, he asked if I would consider entering into a courtship with him, That word, "courtship", conjured a few thoughts. One, that I would have to ride in a van with 8 biological homeschooled children. I didn't even want kids. Two, I knew that I would be well taken care of by a good man. The latter has proved true beyond what I imagined.
He was excited to be a family man someday and was looking forward to the prospect of children in his life. While we were still dating, I convinced him that having kids was just a terrible idea, and he began to share my cynicism.
A year into our marriage, I got the "mommy bug" and decided I could hardly wait to get pregnant. It didn't take the Mr. that long to come back around to the idea. What stood in the way was my personal health and our finances. I was brokenhearted at the prospect of having to wait so long.
Of course there is always something in the water, and while I waited, newly expectant women were popping out of the woodworks. Pregnancy announcements made me weep. I felt left out.
We finally decided to start our family. It was everything I wanted and I'd been planning hard for it for a year and a half.
My reproductive health has never been in a perfect place, and three years of marriage have not changed that.
This is an emotional journey filled with hope and disappointment, expectation and cynicism. Thinking for three weeks that your life may be about to change in a radical way, and spending the next two weeks reeling from the disappearance of those dreams is something that happens month after month, and it is exhausting.
After three years of marriage, after passing another Mother's Day, by Father's Day my light has dimmed. I know that we won't get pregnant easily, and perhaps not without outside help.
We are beginning to accept that we may live without children. Perhaps not forever. That children may cost more money than we have to even conceive. I always said I didn't want to "be one of those people" who was 25 before starting a family. This is a paradigm shift causes us to restructure how we have expected our lives to turn out.
The acceptance of being a childless couple is not with interruption of that hope that is unbearable. The body is a tease. Even though you know you most likely will not conceive, there is that monthly wait that holds out "maybe this time", preceding another 3 weeks of expectation, followed by another two weeks of reeling, followed by more acceptance, and then all over again. I cannot find acceptance while always interrupted by hope. It is too exhausting emotionally to go through it, but I do it, again and again. This is why it is nearly tempting to prevent that hope altogether with a birth control pill.
I feel guilty for not giving this to my husband. I feel too bad to say it to his parents that want to be grandparents. I want to give that to my mother. I want to give it to me.
People don't understand. We have heard, "It will happen fast!" "Children will come, so do other things now". No. No, no, no, no. That is not our story. That is okay. But one more cheerful parent of 32 children says this to me and I will punch them in the face.
And that is where I am.
Tuesday, June 23, 2015
Thursday, February 19, 2015
All About Those Books
Read ALL the books!
Some of these have to do with having an eternal perspective. It's something that's been coming to light more for me. This video of Francis Chan showing a demonstration of eternity with a rope is particularly powerful.
Additionally, as we have been covering eternity in church, this Scripture was pointed out:
"And this gospel of the kingdom will be preached in the whole world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come."
Also pointed out was Wycliff's goal to have the Bible translated into every language by 2025.
One Thousand Gifts:
I was told I was supposed to have this book, which makes so much sense because it deals with some of the things that I struggle with. Well, it's in my possession now because it was a book Zane was assigned to read during the internship this year. Anne Voskamp writes beautifully.
"We look and swell with the ache of a broken, battered planet, what we ascribe as the negligent work of an indifferent Creator (if we even think there is one). Do we ever think of this busted-up place as a result of us ingrates, unsatisfied, we who punctured it all with a bite?"
Another thing I've never forgotten was when I was sharing some of my struggles with a friend in our church. It was extremely helpful when she suggested looking at the awful situations of this world with an eternal perspective. I can think of a couple examples regarding when children die, or others have less than me. When I grapple with all of the injustice and loss in this world, I filter these things through this perspective and sometimes it really does help. Other times, I continue to contend with God. And I will continue to read this book.
This Momentary Marriage
Piper. Need I say more? Well, I will.. John Piper has some beautiful things to say about marriage- like how marriage is not the point of marriage. He says that when we get to eternity with Christ, we will get to experience what this (married life on earth) has been all about. Piper, who has been in "covenant-keeping" marriage with his bride of 40 years, preaches that "the ultimate purpose for marriage is to put the covenant relationship between Christ and His church on display for the world.I have enjoyed listening to him speak on the subject and i would definitely like to read his book, which desiringgod.org has made available as a free pdf file. You can access it here:
http://cdn.desiringgod.org/website_uploads/documents/books/this-momentary-marriage.pdf?1414777989
You and Me Forever
I ordered this one!Francis and Lisa Chan are all about living with an eternal perspective. They devote their marriage to serving God and people and it is beautiful.
Francis Chan actually did that rope/eternity demonstration that is posted at the top of this page.
http://www.youandmeforever.org/
One great thing about buying this book is that ALL the money goes to charity. This is further explained in the video.
There you have it. Books on my horizon. :)
Honorable Mentions:
Pilgrim's Progress- My husband has never heard of this book. "Whaaaat????" - My response. Granted, I never actually read it myself. I think I watched some children's cartoon portrayal of the story when I was little. But my sister in law mentioned in a fb post recently that they had been reading the children's version with her littles.Captivating- I have just not been.. uh.. captivated by this one. We read "Wild At Heart" by her husband, John Eldridge, and Zane LOVED it. I had asked if anyone had a copy and one of the lovely gals at church lent me this one. It's lower down my list to read, but I think I should give it another try.
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